Screw you Blogger. Isn't it irony at it's finest that when I was logging on to write a personal post about how I can no longer let my inability to control everything get in the way of my health and happiness, you were down.
So, I'm drafting this in Notepad. Score one for
This photo why I have the need right now to spill my guts.
This is me, less than a year before our daughter was born. I was thin(ish), healthier and happier than I have ever been in my life (and in Vegas to boot). While I love my current role of being wife and mom and all the domestic things that I love that go along with it, I miss that control. I am a control freak... not so much that I want to control others, but in that I need to control myself. When life (aka, an adorable and incredibily smart three and a half year old girl) doesn't let me get things done, when I want them done, it stresses me out. When I get stressed, I used to go for a long fast walk... this has not been an option the past 2 years since Chelsea has been out of a stroller, so I chose the next best stress reliever - food.
Extra snacks and almost no exercise has left me feeling like crap. Not only have I gained a ton of weight, I am back on anxiety medication, and my energy is at an all time low.
The other day I was having a conversation with my sister in law and she asked if I ever thought what life would be like if we didn't have our kids... immediately I blurted out, "I'd be skinny and worldly". I feel like a total d-bag for being so selfish... kind of.
I KNOW that our daughter is not the reason for any of this, but she has been a convenient excuse for way too long. Just like how I started typing in notepad when Blogger was down and I needed to vent, alternatives could have been found... I dug this hole all by myself.
I don't like excuses, I see through everyone else's so damn easily... yet am trying to pull off the same crap with myself. (I'm not fond of gimmicks either... I lost weight before the good old fashioned way, eating sensible portions of real food, exercising and having fun... and kept it off until I let my need for control get the best of me).
(okay, back to writing in Blogger)
I'm writing this so I can read it everyday and let myself know that even though I can't control everything, I can absolutely find time and ways to take care of myself, and that I'm on to 'my little scheme'. If you see some of this in you, please take a few minutes and write about your scapegoat... and stop trying to fool yourself.